An Eternity
by HotaruGFC
Summary: III, Chris/Borus, after they have been in an established relationship. Should be safe for K , but rated for brief not at all explicit references to their physical relationship.


_AN: Chris/Borus story that takes place some time after they start a relationship. How they get there doesn't really matter. Admittedly a Borus/Chris shipper, I also couldn't see this conversation happening with Chris and anyone else. This is my response to the idea that the possession of a True Rune would keep Chris from ever letting herself find love._

An Eternity

She lay curled around a pillow that occupied his usual spot as she stared into the antechamber to her bedroom. Why had she let him go? She wondered, her pale eyes blinking slowly. It was late, but her mind would not let her rest. She was no longer used to sleeping alone. In the six months since they had become lovers, Chris had only slept apart from Borus maybe two or three nights. Those times, however, their separation was a matter of circumstance. Tonight was different. Tonight, he left her in anger, because he needed to cool down, as he put it. She had seen him angry before, but not like this. She had never seen his usual fiery temper distilled quite as purely as it had been tonight. She had frustrated him, she knew, but she knew he would never do anything to hurt her, so he had followed the only path available to him. He had left her alone, and now she was wondering how she let this happen. She stared into the antechamber, at the space where they argued, allowing the memory to replay in her mind.

***

They sat companionably in silence. Borus sipped a glass of red wine, while Chris leaned against him clutching a cup of hot herbal tea. He draped his free arm around her and pulled her closer to him.

"I love you, Chris." It was not the first time he had said it in these last few months, but she still found the words difficult on her own lips. She leaned up and kissed him softly in response; it had become her way of getting out of saying the words. She knew that was what he was waiting for, for her voiced response, but every time the words tried to come they got caught in her throat. He smiled as he looked down at her. His smile was one that lit up his eyes and seemed to shine from the core of his being. She couldn't help but to kiss him again. Typically, on a night like this, they would end up making love for, well it seemed like forever, as the world just melted away and time seemed to stop. But tonight was not typical.

"Chris." Borus took her hands in his and kissed her knuckles. "You know that our relationship isn't a secret, right?" She smiled and nodded. Of course, she knew. She had never done anything to hide the fact that she had chosen him to share her bed, or that she felt… strongly for him. That is, she never hid the fact once she figured it out for herself. The other knights were understandably jealous at first, and there were rumors on the streets about the iniquity of the two knights' sleeping arrangements. But Chris did not care. For the first time, in a long time, and certainly since she had inherited her Rune, she was happy. She truly did not care what people thought or said, because for all she had done for them, did she not deserve a bit of happiness and peace?

"Well," he continued. "I was wondering if you might want to make our relationship a little more… official." His voice quivered with just a touch of nervousness, like it had that first time he garnered the courage to commit his feelings for her to voice and air.

"What do you mean?" She looked up at him, surprised by the hesitation she saw. It has been a long time since he was reluctant to speak to me, she thought.

"Will you marry me, Chris?" He said the words quickly, as if they would burn him if he did not release them fast enough. She looked at his expectant face, her mind reeling from the question. She would be lying if she said she had never considered the possibility, but she had long since rejected the idea.

"Borus," she said softly. "I, I don't know if I am ready for this." She looked away from him, suddenly shy under his intense gaze. "It's not a 'no', I'm just not… certain I want to ever get married." He stared at her a moment longer and she could feel his frustration growing. Suddenly his burning gaze was no longer scorching her. Rather he was staring at the ground between his feet.

"Is it because of the Rune?" He asked bluntly. She was only a bit surprised by the question. He had proven rather astute at reading her thoughts and feelings over the past few months. He knew of many of her reservations about bearing the True Water Rune, as he had become her closest confidant. She realized then that if anyone was to figure out why she was reluctant with her heart, it would, of course, be Borus.

"Well, honestly?" She looked at him out the corner of her eye, feeling once again like child preparing for a scolding.

"Yes, Chris. Honestly." He was fighting hard to keep his voice even. She could tell the steam kettle that was his temper was starting to burble.

"Yes." She resigned herself to the truth. It was the one truth she had been reluctant to share with him, for fear that he would leave and her happy dream would come to an end. "I don't know if I should ever marry. How can I live my life… my seemingly eternal life watching the ones I care most about grow old and die around me? If I were to marry, I'd have to watch my husband grow old, our children surpass me and their children as well. I'd have to bury them all, and more. I… I just don't know if I can handle that." She sat quietly for a moment, waiting to see if he would respond. When he did not, she continued.

"Or, I would be forced to abandon them, like my father did. And I know I would not be able to live with following him down that road." Silence hung between them, electric and warm as Chris continued glancing at Borus, waiting for a response. After an achingly long few seconds, Borus turned to her.

"I think that's awfully selfish of you." His voice was surprisingly even-toned. "I know that you are not only concerned for yourself, Chris, but what you just said…" He shook his head. "Did you even stop to think about how those who care most about you, those who love you would feel if you turn away from them out of fear?" He looked at her, his eyes hard and confused. "And fear of what? Losing them? Chris, we're knights, we lose people every day on the battle field. It's a hazard of the job."

She met his stern glare. The intensity of his anger, or his frustration was shocking. His eyes themselves seemed to flicker with the fire of his emotions.

"This is different… I… don't think…" she started but again, words would not come.

"You know, Chris, sometimes that's your problem." Through the fire, she could see the deep rooted love in his eyes, and something else. She could not quite make out what was there. He put a firm finger on her forehead. "Sometimes you think too much." His finger traced a path down her cheek and neck, until it reached the fluttery spot in her chest, the spot that seemed to gain a mind of its own when he touched her. "You don't …feel enough." She felt her bottom lip quiver as emotions threatened to pour out of her heart, where his hand was resting. Her mind had other ideas, and still, after six months learning to trust her heart, her mind was far stronger.

"Since I got this Rune, I feel quite more than I wish." She regretted the words as soon as they escaped her lips. She was speaking the truth to some extent. The True Water Rune had flooded her with emotions since she received it. However, Borus obviously took her words to be more directed at him. His face darkened and he ran his hands through his short blonde hair, grunting with frustration. Standing he began pacing the room. Chris watched him, knowing the effort he was making to control the fire within. She had not been the only one to change since they became lovers. While he ignited a passion within her that she never knew existed, she acted to temper his often wild emotions and she could sooth him when his temper threatened to overwhelm him. She could do none of that now, however, not when her mind would not stop forcing her to say words when her heart pleaded, screamed for her to stop.

"I don't expect you to understand, Borus." She said quietly. He stopped his pacing and dropped to his knees before her. Cupping her face in his hands, he forced her to look in his eyes. She was always amazed to see his emotions reflected in the light brown orbs, but today what she saw there scared and saddened her, for she knew she was the cause of the pain that was now plainly evident. She had hurt him and her heart was crying out in agony at her actions. She felt tears welling in her eyes as he spoke to her, matching her quiet tone, but she could not ignore the desperation coloring his voice.

"I'm trying to understand, Chris. I am, but I don't understand how living an eternity of regret will be better than the pain of losing those you love." She lowered her eyes. She had never thought of that before, only of how difficult it would be to lose those loved ones. She had convinced herself that it would be easier for her to never love then to deal with feeling abandoned once more.

"Chris." Borus' voice was almost pleading. "How could you stand living forever knowing that you were never strong enough to take a chance on love, on happiness?" She pulled away from him trying to understand and collate the thoughts and feelings being stirred up inside her. "Isn't a flicker of happiness and a lifetime of happy memories enough to win out over an eternity of emptiness?"

"I… I don't know." He pushed away from her, standing and staring at the ceiling. He took several deep breaths trying to calm his spirit before he took an action he would regret.

"Well, I guess I have my answer." His voice was hard and cold as ice as he said it. He turned and walked quickly for the door.

"Where are you going?" she called after him, her voice catching and breaking as she asked. She could feel the hot tears threatening to fall. He looked at her over his shoulder briefly.

"I need to cool down.

***

She woke a short while later to an ache in her soul, a damp pillow and an empty bed. Usually when he needed to blow off steam he returned after a few hours, as hungry for her as ever. She had not realized it at the time, but she knew now that she must have really hurt him. But Goddess, he could be so stubborn, she thought. She did not know how to make things better. This was not something she could just heal with the Rune, it was a wound that cut deeper than the Rune's power could run. Nor would she want to heal this hurt, even if she could. She would have to fix it herself, but she did not know how.

"An eternity of loss," she said to the empty room, "or an eternity of regret." Which one would be easier to live with was what she could not fathom. If she chose to end her relationship with Borus, so as to not grow too attached, she knew he would continue in his duty to the Zexen people. But she didn't know if she could live with seeing him, working with him every day and not being able to be with him. Neither did she know if she could live to watch him grow old and infirm and then eventually die… assuming that he lived long enough to grow old.

Without warning, strange images flashed in her mind as a cool blue light filled the room. It was like a dream, only she knew she had not fallen back to sleep. She saw Borus, and children and more children. She saw them born, grow, have families of their own. And she saw them die. She saw Borus as an old man, but he seemed so very happy. He was dying, but she could see no regrets in his eyes, only love, only happiness. He said something that she could not hear and smiled before he closed his eyes for the final time.

The vision faded as her room came back into focus and the blue light faded. Tears were streaming down her face now and she covered her mouth with her hands in an effort to stem the flow of sobs. A dim voice called to her from deep within.

"Chris, do not block the flow of emotions within you." The small feminine voice, which sounded familiar, said. "Water is the element of emotions. If you do not let yourself feel what is in your heart, we can never be truly united, as your father and I were once bonded. You may carry me, but you will never become Water unless you begin to think with your heart."

"But I don't want to lose myself." She replied to the voice from within. She was sure if anyone had heard that they would start thinking she had lost her mind.

"A natural desire, but not one you should concern yourself with. Open your heart and feel what is there."

She closed her eyes and tried to feel what was in her heart. Panic overwhelmed her as the tears started flowing more freely.

"I… I can't find it."

"Find the spot where it hurts the most, Chris." The voice had turned more masculine, also familiar. "Use the power of Love to heal it. Wash away the pain. Only when the pain stops can you feel what you feel."

She gingerly touched the spot in her mind, in her heart that was causing her grief. Resisting her instinct to run from it, or to bury it where she could no longer see it, she confronted the darkness that resided there. She felt sadness and uncertainty and loneliness, such great loneliness and loss. She felt guilt and anger. And then, finally, she felt love, a love so big that it threatened to consume her. She caressed that warm feeling of love until it expanded and filled all of her and then the room surrounding her. And the tears stopped flowing.

She could feel the Rune smiling and felt new energy flow within her. She took a deep breath as she sat up in her bed and looked around. She saw Borus' half-drunk glass of wine still sitting on the small table in the antechamber and felt the ache returning to her heart.

"Stupid," she said aloud to no one and to herself. "Stupid, stupid, stupid." She sighed as she pulled on her boots. Her ravaged emotional state earlier had kept her from her typical routine and she had fallen asleep in her clothes. Her hair, however, was not fit for a public appearance. She untwisted the elaborately braided bun and quickly ran her brush through her long silvery locks. Watching herself in the mirror as the thick bristles were dragged through her hair, she gave herself a bit of a pep talk.

"Sometimes you are so very dense, Chris, you know that? He wants to spend his life with you, to give you the happiness you deserve and so desperately need, yet you throw it away for what? Because you're afraid to lose him? Goddess, you could lose him tomorrow, or he could lose you. The Rune may keep you from aging, and protect you from death in many instances, but it's not a fool-proof way to cheat it." She looked in the mirror at her reflection and finally allowed herself to say the words her heart had been dying to let out.

"I love him." She felt a tingling in her spine. "I love him; I love Borus Redrum." The more she said it, the easier it became, but that tingling sensation only grew. She knew that she was speaking the truth her heart demanded to be told.

"Now, to find him." She nearly sprinted for the door. She searched all the places she thought he would go, but he was nowhere to be found. She continued her search as she ignored the questioning looks of the other knights. She hit the ground hard as she collided with something hard and metal.

"Oh, Milady, are you alright?" she looked up at Percival's concerned face and outstretched hand. Accepting his help back to an upright position, Chris asked him if he had seen Borus.

"Oh yeah, he's not fit for company, I'd say, but if you really want to see him, he's on the rampart over the western gate."

"Thank you Percival." She said politely before dashing past him to find Borus.

She reached the western rampart in what had to be record time. She saw him, his blonde hair reflecting the faint moonlight. He was leaning heavily on the stone wall, his gaze seemingly far in the distance. She tiptoed toward him, hoping to disturb him as little as possible until she was ready. She resisted the urge to run to him and throw her arms around his waist and pressing herself against him. There would be time enough for that later. He turned his head slightly at her approach. She knew that he was aware of her presence, but his lack of acknowledgement gave her pause.

"Hurry now or you won't have another chance, Chris." The dim voice within commanded. She walked until she was only a foot behind him. She stood there a moment, looking at his back, remembering how it felt to hold him. She took a deep breath, touched the spot of love in her heart and felt it expand, filling her. Her heart felt like it wasn't hers any longer. Now or never, she thought.

"I love you, Borus." She saw him straighten and his head turned toward her.

"What?" he asked softly over his shoulder.

"I love you." Her heart was threatening to escape as he turned to face her fully. He leaned against the stone wall, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Say that again."

"Must I?" Chris could feel her resolve wavering as her mind threatened to resume control.

"Oh, yes. I think you must." His voice and face were serious, but his eyes glittered playfully, despite their slight redness. He had been crying, she thought. She stood up straight and took a small step toward him, closing the distance.

"I love you, Borus Redrum." She felt a smile creep on her face as she was satisfied that she was meant to do be there in that moment, just the way she was. She rested her hands on his chest. He smiled broadly as he pulled her close to him. Looking into his eyes, she searched for the pain she had seen earlier, but it was gone, healed over by her love. She felt his soft lips brush her forehead as she let herself be pulled into his warm embrace.

"And, if the offer is still available, I would love nothing more than to be your wife." Her heart sang when those unexpected words erupted from her lips. She felt his deep chuckle vibrate in his chest as he squeezed her. He tilted her face upwards, until they were staring in each other's eyes. He kissed her gently, sweetly.

"I love you, Chris." He whispered. This time she answered with no hesitation.

"I love you, too, Borus."

Eternity will come, she thought, but right now, I have an eternity in his embrace and an eternity of happiness in his eyes. And when the time comes that he must leave me, I'll have an eternity of memories, happiness and love shared together, with him, to drive away the loneliness. He was right; I could not live with an eternity of regrets and what-could-have-been, not when love was so close. I love him, and I will love him… for an eternity.


End file.
